


Gilbert's Wacky Sexventures

by Vogelchan



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Crack Treated Seriously, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-10
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-06-08 06:24:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15237366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vogelchan/pseuds/Vogelchan
Summary: When Gilbert angers a sex demon he summoned in his basement, he's put under a curse. What curse you ask? To have sex with a different partner each day or else he will die. Horrible curse or a blessing in disguise, you decide as Gilbert races to lift the curse before he can run out of friends who are willing to lend him five minutes of their time.





	1. Prologue - Demonic Beginnings

**Author's Note:**

> This is just some crack to get back into the swing of writing again. Sorry for the mess and enjoy the ride.

“Have you got everything set up for the ritual?” Lovino asked, stepping into the basement where he had left Gilbert

“Just about,” Gilbert confirmed, sitting on the floor surrounded by candles, incense, and an elaborate symbol drawn in his own blood.

Today Gilbert and Lovino were going to summon a demon. It was originally Gilbert’s idea, though it didn’t take very long to get Lovino roped in too. Specifically, the two of them were going to summon a sex demon. An incubus. Although it was unclear on why Lovino agreed to do this and what he was planning to get out of it, Gilbert’s goal was to get laid in a very demonic way.

Lovino sat down by Gilbert as he began to light the incense, then the candles.

Lovino asked, “Do you know how to do this?”

“Yeah,” Gilbert assured confidently, “I read all about it on Google.”

“Is that the most reliable resource?” Lovino frowned.

Gilbert countered, “Has WikiHow ever let you down in the past?”

Either Lovino couldn’t argue with Gilbert’s logic or he just didn’t want to get caught in telling him just how wrong he was because he didn’t attempt to fight with that.

“Close your eyes,” Gilbert instructed, squeezing his own eyes closed.

Lovino followed suit with a heavy and reluctant sigh.

Gilbert took one of Lovino’s hands within his own and held it loosely. He proclaimed loudly, “Oh demon of lust, if you are out there come to us. Impart upon us your wisdom and knowledge and sexiness.”

Gilbert waited a few moments expectantly for something to happen. When nothing did, he continued, “Great sexy demon, come damn us with your presence for I have to prove to my friend that this is going to work.”

“Is that what Google told you to say?” Lovino asked in amusement.

Gilbert grumbled unhappily, “Shut up.”

At that moment just before the two could get too deep into arguing and bickering all the lights in the room went out at once. The light from the candles was replaced by a faint humming glow emanating from the centre of the sigil Gilbert had painted.

“Oh shit!” Gilbert hissed, recoiling slightly, very much not having had expected this to work.

A figure arose up out of the light, its form mostly human-like with a few demonic traits. Horns and a tail protruded from a curvy filled out body with a pair of wings to complete the set. The demon examined the two before her with sharp, red, glaring eyes, waiting for one of them to make a move or state their purpose.

Gilbert’s initial fright at the success of his summoning was quickly replaced for disappointment. He turned to Lovino and complained, “Aw, Lovi, we cocked it up. That’s not an incubus, that’s a succubus.”

The demon’s eyes slid over to Gilbert and narrowed. She demanded, “Do I not appease you?”

“Not really, no,” Gilbert admitted openly, “I was kind of hoping for a dude.”

“So, you’ve summoned me all of this way and you don’t even want me?” The demon confirmed, not sounding very happy at all.

Gilbert confirmed, “Yep.”

The demon’s lips turned into a snarl and she snapped, “This is unacceptable. I am not some toy for you to summon at leisure and then dismiss when it doesn’t suit you. I will make you pay for this.”

“I’m not a part of this,” Lovino said quickly, “It was all his idea. I think you are very nice and sexy. Please don’t punish me.”

“Lovi! Don’t put this all on me!” Gilbert said quickly.

“You,” the demon snarled, pointing a sharp finger at Gilbert accusingly, “For this inconvenience and waste of my time I will curse you.”

“Uhhh….” Gilbert grimaced and leant away, “That’s not necessary. I’m really sorry.”

The demon ignored Gilbert and announced, “You take lust and its consequences for granted all too much. You view sex as a blessing but for you it will be a curse. If you want sex you will have it at the cost of your life. From now on, you must have sex with a different partner each day or else you will die.”

“Sex every day doesn’t sound so bad…” Gilbert murmured.

At that the demon added, “Also the sex will be bad for either yourself or your partner. It will never be fulfilling for both parties.”

“Ah,” Gilbert mouthed.

With that and a big puff of smoke the demon disappeared, leaving no evidence of her visit behind. Once the smoke had settled, Gilbert looked over to Lovino and exchanged a rather grim and worried expression.

“So, uh… no hot demon sex for me,” Gilbert noted.

Lovino wasn’t quite sure what to say, a bit speechless from the encounter and the information he had to take in about it. “No fucking shit,” he eventually said.

“Sex every day though. That’s sort of fun, right?” Gilbert tried hopefully.

“No,” Lovino scoffed, “It’s sex every day or you’ll die, Gilbert. What if you can’t find someone one day? What if you run out of people you know. What if you just suck at hooking up with people for one-night stands.”

Gilbert frowned, his attempt at being positive fading quickly.

“You’re right,” he agreed reluctantly.

“Of course I’m right,” Lovino said, “You’re a big fucking idiot.”

Gilbert agreed, “I am.”

“We need to fix this,” Lovino said.

Gilbert agreed, “We do.”

Lovino sighed and rubbed at his eyes, seriously reconsidering his friendship with Gilbert and every life choice that had led him up to that moment.

“Alright, here’s the game plan,” Lovino decided, “Tomorrow we start researching ways to fix this. If you can work out how to summon a demon off Google I’m sure you can work out how to remove a curse too. In the meantime, we write a list of everyone you can sleep with and work through it day by day until we’ve fixed this.”

Gilbert joked, “Will you be on the list?”

Lovino frowned, “This is serious Gilbert.”

“I could seriously die, Lovino!”

Lovino relented, “I’ll be on the list, but only so that that doesn’t happen. Don’t get attached or nothing.”

“Since when do I get attached?” Gilbert asked.

Lovino began to get to his feet and said, “Since always. Should I provide examples or should we maybe clean up and start working on how to fix this horrible mess you’ve made.”

Gilbert also got to his feet, following suit. He gave a heavy sigh and brushed himself off, looking over the quite messy basement floor.

“Let’s clean up tomorrow, along with fixing everything. It’s late and all of this cursed to have bad sex thing is bumming me out,” Gilbert sighed.

He gave a look to Lovino and requested, “Can you stay the night? Just in case this daily sex curse counts today and I start just dying on the spot? I need a backup to sleep with if that happens.”

“I was planning on staying here anyways,” Lovino admitted, “Whether you liked it or not.”

“I’ll set up the spare room,” Gilbert said, beginning to head out of the basement, Lovino on his tail.  
And with that, a very weird and unexpected period of Gilbert’s life began.


	2. Chapter 2

“Maybe it was all just a fever dream.”

This is the mantra Gilbert kept repeating to himself that morning as he got out of bed.

Surely it had to have been a dream. After all, in what world did demons even actually exist, let alone be easy to summon and lay curses wherever they went. The idea that Gilbert and Lovino had managed to summon a demon at all was far-fetched, let alone the idea that Gilbert now had to have sex every single day lest he dies.

Gilbert had just managed to convince himself that yes, this was indeed the delusional result of a fever dream and definitely not a real event that had actually happened, when he stepped outside of his bedroom.

“Hey, demon fucker. How’s that curse going.”

It was of course Lovino, who was halfway through helping himself to cereal.

“Suppose it wasn’t just a dream if you remember it too then,” Gilbert noted miserably.

Lovino gave a tight mocking smile and agreed, “Afraid not.”

Gilbert joined Lovino in the kitchen, snatching the box of cereal out of his hands so he could make his own bowl of it. He was uncharacteristically quiet as he prepared his breakfast, brain too trained on thinking on how he would get out of this mess.

Lovino sat down at the servery with his cereal and started to eat, eyes trained on Gilbert as if he too was trying to work out some kind of solution.

“Do you think I can just summon her again and say sorry for wasting her time?” Gilbert finally spoke up.

“And risk her cursing you again for wasting even more of her time?” Lovino scoffed, “I think not.”

Gilbert sat beside Lovino with a heavy and dramatic sigh.

“I told you this was a bad idea,” Lovino reminded.

Gilbert rolled his eyes and said, “That doesn’t exactly help me now.”

Lovino tapped at the table with his spoon, humming in thought, before deciding, “Since I am clearly the more mature one out of the two of us I’ll be making the game plans from now on. You can suggest ideas if we are desperate and completely out of options but for now you keep your loud mouth shut.”

After Gilbert’s last run of bad decisions and bad consequences, he couldn’t help but to agree, “Alright.”

“First off, the two of us know jack shit about demons. You _Googled_ what to do and I know even less than that,” Lovino pointed out, “We need an expert.”

“An expert on what?”

Ludwig had entered the room while the two had been talking, expression obviously groggy from having had just woken up. His eyes settled on Lovino for a moment longer to take in the fact he was there.

He noted, “Lovino stayed last night?”

“Yes, brother,” Gilbert confirmed.

Ludwig looked slightly annoyed and requested in a gruff sigh, “Let me know next time.”

“Okay, brother,” Gilbert agreed.

Ludwig continued on, seeming rather worked up, most likely from his still remnant sleepiness, “I don’t mind that you’re staying with me while you’re looking for your own place to stay. I don’t even mind that you’re not paying any rent while you’re looking for a job. But, for the love of god, you can’t walk about acting like you own the place and inviting whoever you want whenever you want and not even cleaning up after yourself.”

“I think it’s whomever,” Gilbert interjected.

This earned him a rather well-justified yell from Ludwig. “Gilbert!” He snapped, “I’m being serious. Are you?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m being serious. No more Lovi without asking,” Gilbert reluctantly sighed, prodding at his cereal.

Ludwig looked content at that and said in relief, “Thank you.”

He turned his gaze over to Lovino and said, tone apologetic, “Hi, Lovino. Good morning. Sorry for that.”

“It’s okay,” Lovino assured, “Gilbert summoned a demon last night.”

Ludwig wasn’t expecting that response at all and asked, “…Excuse me?”

“He summoned a sex demon in the basement,” Lovino clarified.

“Lovi!” Gilbert hissed, “He doesn’t need to know.”

Ludwig stood still for a moment, unsure what to think of this all. Without saying another word to the pair he turned and headed for the basement, his pace fast so that the others couldn’t stop him from going even if they wanted to. He threw open the door and stormed down the stairs and out of view, his footsteps heavy.

Gilbert pushed his bowl across the bench and hurried after Ludwig, not wanting to get in trouble before he had a chance to explain himself. Lovino considered not going along with them for a moment but decided against it, getting up and following suit, if only to just watch Gilbert get in trouble.

Ludwig had stopped by the base of the stairs by the time Gilbert had caught up to him, horror on his expression as he took in what had happened to his basement.

“Whose blood is this?” He asked.

“That’d be mine,” Gilbert admitted, feeling rather sheepish.

Ludwig looked back to Gilbert and asked, “…How did you?”

Gilbert held up his arm where a brightly covered novelty bandage was barely covering a cut on his wrist.

“You cut yourself?!” Ludwig sounded somehow more enraged than he looked.

“Just to get blood for the ritual!” Gilbert defended, “Not to, like, hurt myself or something!”

Ludwig turned his gaze to Lovino and asked, “And you just encouraged this?”

“Well, I didn’t discourage it,” Lovino admitted, giving a shrug.

Ludwig fumbled for something to say, opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water.

“Gilbert’s cursed now too. He angered the demon,” Lovino informed.

“Lovi!”

Lovino rolled his eyes and pointed out, “It’s not like you’re going to get in any more trouble. Maybe he’ll go easier on you if he knows you’re dying.”

Ludwig pressed his hands to his face and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. He brought his hands back down and stared between the two, remaining quiet for a moment longer.

“Explain to me what happened,” he said slowly.

Gilbert explained, “Well, I, uh… I wanted to summon a sex demon. An incubus. So that, like… I could have sex with it, you know? Or it could at least give me magic demon energy so I could go out and hook up with some hot guys. I read about how to do it on WikiHow but I guess didn’t read the fine print on what demon I was summoning because I ended up with a succubus instead of an incubus which really sucked.”

Ludwig looked rather off put by all of this information but insisted, “…Go on.”

“So, like, I say to it that I was expecting a guy and not a chick and it got super offended,” Gilbert continued, “And then it said that because I sucked and was taking sex for granted I from now on am cursed so that I have to have sex with a different person each day or else I’ll die.”

“Is this all true?” Ludwig asked to Lovino for confirmation.

Lovino shrugged and admitted, “Yeah. I was there. He’s not crazy.”

Ludwig rubbed at his face again and sighed.

“Gilbert, you’re a fucking idiot,” he said.

Lovino noted, tone light, “Hey, that’s what I told him after it happened.

Ludwig snapped at Lovino, “Don’t think you’re completely guilt-free either. What were you thinking? You just let him do this! What were you both thinking?”

When Gilbert opened his mouth to say something Ludwig interrupted, “Actually. No. I don’t want to know what you were thinking. I’ve heard enough. I want you to clean up this mess. No arguments.”

He pushed past Gilbert and Lovino, beginning to head up the stairs again.

“We’ll fix this,” Gilbert assured after him, “We’re going to remove the curse and I’m not going to die along the way.”

“I don’t care, as long as the basement gets clean,” Ludwig dismissed, too grouchy for conversation.

He slammed the basement door closed behind him and was gone, leaving Lovino and Gilbert with a mess to clean in more way than one.


End file.
